Orangewillow

Here I sit on a plane flying to Fort Lauderdale having trouble believing this is my life. I know I have been away from the blogging world for over a month but I unfortunately had some self-exploring that needed done. I recorded two podcasts but due to some recent chaos have not been able to get them edited and posted. I plan to have them up once I get back home. I have been working a lot and trying to prepare some art for a show but all in all I have been living and trying to figure out who I am and my place in this world. Last night I discovered who I was, a small frail child who is terrified of losing her daddy.

My family recently went on a cruise but due to financial constraints I opted for staying home. My mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law flew to Florida last week and have been on a Caribbean cruise. While they were gone I painted a lot, sales were good and I sold my car in 1 day and then found a great new car. I was able to pay cash and it only has 65K miles so I was on cloud nine. Problem was all I could think about was how bad I wanted to show my dad when he got home. I knew he would be proud that I found such a great car at a great price.

No sooner than completing the title work and climbing into my shiny new car the phone rang. It was my dad. “Uh, hi babe, its your dad. We’re still on the boat. Mark and Tammy are going to be flying home tomorrow but me and your mom are going to stay a little bit, there were some problems.” Now, you have to know my dad. He jokes and he jokes a lot. People close to him usually just dismiss his quirky behavior.

“What are you talking about?” I asked impatient and annoyed. I listened as my father began to trip over his words and suddenly I knew, this wasn’t dad being dad, this was real. Finally he couldn’t find the words and handed the phone to my mom. She explained he had had some heart issues on the boat and they had been in the infirmary most of the past couple days. Now mind you besides kidney stones my dad has been iron man all my life. He had complained of chest pains and went to his doctor the day before the trip but was told he would be fine but they should do more tests when he gets home.

Come to find out they were sadly wrong. His EKG on the boat was very disturbing, so much so they had and ambulance waiting for him as he exited the boat. I had convinced myself that it was just some blockage and worst case he would have a stint put in and I would have my daddy home soon. It seems my entire family convinced themselves of the same thing. Last night though our fantasy came crashing down around us. My phone rang and it was my sister. “You need to come here.” I heard her voice shaking and the tears began to flow from my eyes. “Whats wrong?” I asked. “They are going to do open heart surgery as soon as possible.” She replied.

He was in such dyer condition they got him into surgery at 8:30 this morning. I haven’t been able to even speak to him on the phone. And now as I sit on this plane at 12:47 I wonder do I have a father anymore? Will I have that big strong teddy bear to run to when the world becomes too much? Will Zoe have many more wonderful fun filled years with her papaw? I called my mother at 11:45 as I was boarding and that had heard nothing. Well I am not ready for a life without this incredible man and it makes me mad as hell to think he could be taken from me.

I think he knew something was wrong because he called me every night the week before he left on the cruise to talk to his grandbaby and to tell me how proud he is of me and how much he loves me. If there is someone in this world to teach you about what love is its him. My mother is still the light of his life after 35 years of wedded bliss. I often catch him staring at her. He tells us all how she is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen. He has taught me to love until your heart aches. A hard but brave way to live. He always lives a life that will make god proud as well as his family. He strives to be honest and giving. He gets excited when he gets to help out his kids, for example when I embarked on a venture to open my own children’s retail store he was right there every night along side my mother building me a counter, putting up shelves, and even dealing with the customers.

Everyone who meets him loves him. Hes got a spark that’s rare. You can tell he knows the secret to life… family. He has to always be the center of attention in the most obnoxious ways but if hes not there you miss it. He will say hes seen a movie before its even out of production, you just have to laugh and say “ok dad.” When Chuck and I split he said he loved me before Chuck and theres no reason he would love me any less after him. Theres something so sweet and wonderful about this man that I may never understand. It’s a gift that he has that makes life worth living when hes in it.

I remember one year when we were on vacation and we decided we would go to Kelley’s Island for the day. We had no idea however that they had a no public restrooms policy and the only bathroom was by the boat docks. My dad decided he wanted to go off and take some video around the island so we all agreed to meet back at the dock at a certain time. Well we had no idea across the island my dad was in crisis. He had traveled far on a moped and suddenly the stomach pains hit him. He has crones disease so when his stomach starts acting up he has to find a restroom immediately. After offering several store owners money to use their bathrooms he realized his only hope was to make a mad dash for the docks. He hopped on his moped and rode like lightening, well as close to lightening as you can get on a moped. He arrived at the dock and though the bathrooms were only 100 yards away he knew he had ran out of time. Did he soil himself where he stood? Oh no, not my dad, he did it in style. He approached a complete stranger, handed him the video camera and said please hold this. He then ran and jumped off the dock. As he retold the story to us minuites later he explained he noticed tourists coming off the boat so he splashed around as if playing in th water. What makes my dad special is he retold the story hundreds of time and was able to laugh at himself just as hard as when it happened.

One of the scariest moments in his life I know was when I gave birth. I have issues with my kidneys and my doctor suggested I not have children but after weighing the risks I decided having a child is worth any risk (and I was right btw). My sister said my dad sat paniced in the waiting room during the entire labor.

One of the touching moments in my life was when I got married. My dad and I had a tough couple years with my teenage rebellion but that night he took my heart and made me feel things I had never felt before. I was terrified of my new life but as I slipped off my shoes and danced on my daddy’s feet one more time he let me know that it was all going to be ok because no matter what path I took in life they all led home again.

I know this is a really long post but even these words can’t sum up the man he is. Theres a connection between me and dad that nobody else has. I am his baby girl, always the one to go fishing with him, or help him in the garage, or sit with him at his computer. Its because of me he cries everytime butterfly kisses comes on. Daddy, if you can hear my thoughts right now know that I need you to come back. Zoe needs you so please, fight with everything you have. We all need you.

UPDATE:

Everything went very well. It ended up being a tripple bypass but he is awake and aware and has even told me what a great mother I am. He likes to tell me that. I will keep this blog updated with news as I have it. Thanks for all the prayers.